Yeah, it's been a few years since I've posted anything here. I've been busy...I now work for the State of Oregon; we lost Mom a few years back; and I'm editing a bunch of books to get out on the Kindle platform.
Having said all that, I have an admission to make-or maybe better, a confession: I’d forgotten how to fly. Like Peter Banning-played remarkably well by Robin Williams in”Hook”-I’d lost my ability to fly. I’d lost my happy place, then became tired, a bit of a drag, and in desperate need of a real vacation. I got my vacation, and rediscovered in the process just how much fun Disneyland really is. I came here several times a year when I was younger; the choir performed here three of the four years I was in high school and I seem to remember marching here with the Blue Devils B corps. Barbershoppers have taken over a few times-1984, 1999, and 2009 come to mind. But over time, like many people I moved on and moved far enough away to not come as often.
That changed when my beloved Traci came into my life. She loves Disneyland, she loves to come and play in the Magic Kingdom. And play we did, becoming teenagers again for five wonderfully fun days. When I originally wrote this it was the end of day four and the start of day five. Day five was our last day here, and then we headed home. So I didn’t take much time on that morning to write. But I did want to jot down some of what I learned along the way. I wanted to share some of what I learned on my way to finding my happy place once again while it was still fresh in my mind. And while this is somewhat tongue in cheek there’s a few very serious tips here, written by a guy who’s no expert on park travel in the modern world…but who’s logged maybe a few too many miles over too many years.
One: Time loses any serious meaning once you’re on the property. Oh, sure…the sun rises and sets, unlike in much of property where we live-the Pacific Northwest-where the sun sets sometime in September and the rain starts up and doesn’t seem to end until some time around June. But please be aware that time has no real meaning (unless you have a reservation for a character meal-see below). You may stand in line for fifty minutes and time pleasantly goes by, unlike say, standing in line at the local DMV where fifteen minutes seems like an hour-and an hour seems like an eternity.
Two: Speaking of lines, be prepared to spend time standing in them. Lots of time. Lines for rides, making a purchase, getting a meal, meeting a character, and going to the restroom. I’m not kidding; I stood in line for ten minutes just to throw my Coke cup away. It gets to a point where if you see a line, you’ll stand in it just to find out what it’s for. If you have a reservation for anything, figure out how long it will take you to get there-then add fifteen minutes, minimum. This is especially true for meals, character or otherwise. Why? Because there’s a line for everything!
Three: If you’re on a diet, go somewhere else. While there is healthy food available, there are also churros, turkey legs (which are huge and smoked to perfection), awesome corn dogs, frozen bananas, a substance called Dole Whip, popcorn, pickles, and so forth. The best fried chicken I swear I’ve ever eaten is found just off Main St. USA, near Tomorrowland. And that’s just Disneyland proper. California Adventure has amazing food as well, including a mighty fine clam chowder in a genuine Boudin sourdough bread bowl. If you are seriously worried about calories, stop it. We were there five days; I averaged 5.5 miles walking a day over the five days we spent here. Which brings me to….
Four: All the guide books tell you to wear comfortable footwear. They’re not kidding. At the end of day three, I took my shoes off and literally watched my feet swell two sizes in roughly ninety seconds. You will walk a lot, when you’re not standing in line. (Have I mentioned you will spend a lot of time standing in line?) Speaking of the guide books, get them, read them, pore over them, memorize them if you want…then leave them at home. They’re written by well meaning professionals who want you to maximize every second. They mean well-but believe me when I tell you that everyone else in the park has read the same books. Plan ahead, by all means; you should. Then toss most of those plans out the window when you get here, and plan as you go. The smartest plan we made before we left was to spend five days on the property. This allowed us to do a lot without feeling like we needed to march through and lay waste to everything.
Five: Everything in the resort is designed to separate you from your money. It’s okay to spend a little here and there. And when your granddaughter wants a blue slush with a glowing x-wing fighter straw you will spend nearly ten bucks to get her one, because it makes both of you happy. The same thing with mouse ears: if she wants you to get a set and wear them all day, I don’t care how big, strong, and macho you are…you will get and wear mouse ears all day. Spend the money and go to a character meal at least once; the food is pretty decent. We went to one for breakfast, got to meet five different princesses-Ariel, Cinderella, Belle, Rapunzel, and Tiana-and I had tri-tip, scrambled eggs, and hash browns-plus fruit, breakfast breads, and tea. That’s no kiddie meal, friends, and frankly was worth every penny. I’ve eaten in three star restaurants that could learn from this.
Six: Believe it or not, there actually is an “official/unofficial” sport on the resort properties: Pin collecting and trading. You start by getting a lanyard and a starter pin. My beloved Traci has enough pins on one lanyard to anchor the USS Ronald Reagan in place. I have some “retired” pins; so does she. So we’ve started new lanyards together. Whilst in the park I’ve seen a few lanyards that look like they weigh enough to keep California Screamin’ from achieving its max speed of 55 mph. In fact, if the person wearing them fell down it would take a crane to lift them back up. If you’re smart, you’ll either get several lanyards or get a pin book. Bonus tip: don’t make the rookie mistake and trust the pin backs will survive all the rides; while they are firm and pretty well made, spring for a package of locking pin backs. Trust me on this one, if you trust nothing else I’ve written in this article. Keep the old pin backs for your retired lanyard at home or that pin book.
Seven: Leave your camera at home and get the one-week photo pass…then get as many pictures professionally done as you can. This is especially true if you’ve spent on a character meal. I know, I know…funny advice from a guy who will take his trusty Nikon just about anywhere. But not only will your back thank you for not lugging that extra weight around, you’ll actually be in more pictures. And with everyone using smartphones these days, you’ll have plenty of memories. Besides…it’s very easy to see it vanish on a ride, get broken, etc.
Eight: speaking of your smartphone, three things to consider: First, carry a sandwich sized baggie to put your phone in, and multiply that by each phone…then multiply that by the number of days you’re there. A wet smartphone is a very dead smartphone, and there are plenty of chances to kill your smartphone even if it is in a nearly indestructible case. Second, download the Disneyland app already. Don’t wait until you’re on the resort grounds to do this. It’s worth the bandwidth and memory space to see the wait times for rides, and the map function is very useful once you’ve lost the paper map they give you. Third, invest in a couple of FuelRods before hitting the park. These little lifesavers will recharge just about any phone or tablet you’ll carry, and are worth their weight in gold. Inside the park, they’re thirty bucks. We bought two on Amazon for forty bucks-and if you don’t recharge them in your room at night (provided you’ve used them) and they’ve done their duty, you can exchange them for a loaded one. Plus, after your vacation is over…you can use them at home. (Come on. Be honest…how many times have you been horrified to discover you have 10% charge left on your phone when you’re out on the town?)
Nine: If you can swing it, stay on the property. Sure, you can save a few bucks on a room offsite. But then you have to either (A) pay for daily parking-and the hassles thereof-or (B) walk to and from your hotel. If you want to haul the dead weight of an exhausted child halfway back to beautiful downtown Burbank at the end of a long day on your feet…be my guest; you’re a better man than I, Gunga Din. On the other hand, the Monorail drops you near the Disneyland Hotel-and about two blocks from Paradise Pier, where we stayed. Added bonus: you’ll be two blocks from the closest Starbucks. Speaking of which…don’t cry to me about the commercialization of Disneyland; you know good and well you want your mocha non-fat with whip in the morning and will cheerfully walk that two blocks to get it. Besides…when I was a kid, everything had a sponsor in the park. (Does anyone other than Traci and I remember the Sunkist Citrus House on Main Street USA or Casa de Fritos in Frontierland?)
Ten: Speaking of commercialization, let me take a moment to discuss Downtown Disney. It’s the outdoor shopping mall built by the House of Mouse and it’s a winner. Everything from a LEGO store to the biggest Disney themed souvenir stand sits there. All kinds of food and shops are there, plus a movie theatre. I may be the only person in the world that truly likes the concept, because I’m starting to think maybe Disney’s next empire should be shopping malls. Neat, clean, well lit, and lots of space to move around in even when busy. Hint for those of you whose kids are old enough to be in the park on their own: go there to eat an adult meal.
Eleven: Not that it’s a dud-not by a long shot-but as much as I love Disneyland and enjoy Downtown Disney…Disney’s California Adventure (or DCA) is a park in search of its identity. I don’t think it knows what it really wants to be when it grows up, and the fact they keep redoing so much of it is a clue. Part old time boardwalk, part Hollywood Blvd, and part…well…something. The Magic Kingdom has clearly defined lands, boundaries for each one, and its own etiquette. DCA seems to me like they had a whole bunch of ideas for new stuff, and they threw it all together and instead of a gourmet meal got goulash. For starters, it really needs its own Monorail stop, preferably linking it to the rest of the resort. (For all that, so does Paradise Pier hotel.) Next, either really do the California theme up and stay with it, or rename the place and lay the lands out a little better. Paradise Pier is not quite the boardwalk I remember from my younger days visiting the Santa Cruz Beach and Boardwalk, and the rest of the park is a hodgepodge of different lands and areas. In my opinion, if you only have a few days to spend at the resort, spend one here-you must do at least Soaring, California Screamin’, and eat in any number of the great food places and carts-and spend the rest of your time in Disneyland proper. (I know there’s been some changes since I first wrote this. That just proves my point; Paradise Pier is now being redone into Pixar Pier. California Screamin’ is becoming the Incredicoaster, for example.)
Twelve: You will want to overpack for your trip. Resist the urge to do so. This is because (A) airlines will charge you some serious bucks for an overweight bag, and (B) you will need a place to stow all your purchases for the trip home. This is as good as any place to mention not buying things you will never use again. The sole exception to this rule are mouse ears. (Remember, Mr. Macho type…if your granddaughter wants you to get a pair and wear them, if you value peace and your sanity, you will do this.) Most of the time, you’ll be in t-shirts and jeans…or shorts if it’s summertime. Guys, bring one polo shirt to dress up for that dinner in Downtown Disney. Wear sneaks…with padding. Ladies…I’m not going to tell you what to pack. But I can promise you that you won’t really need that floor length gown or high stiletto heels. (I have mentioned the lines and the amount of walking you do, right? On concrete? Around tens of thousands of people?)
Thirteen: Turn off your e-mail and get your face out of your smartphone. I made few Facebook posts, and kept my phone in my pocket most of the time except for pictures and checking wait times. You’re on vacation…so unplug already! I promise that anything that was a problem before you leave will still be there and have friends with it…but you’ll be better prepared to deal with it. Plus, by putting your phone away, you won’t walk into people.
Fourteen: If you’ve been living living under a rock, don’t follow the news, or simply didn’t pay attention…Disney owns Lucasfilms and Marvel. This means that half of Tomorrowland has now Stormtroopers and lightsabers. DCA is where all the superheroes live, and that’s fine. But this also means that both franchises have a lot of merchandise in the stores, next to Mickey Mouse and Company, Buzz and Woody, and all your favorite characters. (Hey, Disney…speaking of characters, I’d love to see some new pins from Robin Hood, if you’ve a mind to make some.)
Finally…this is the one time you don’t want to “wing it.” Use either Disney’s travel agency or Costco’s; I don’t care which. Prepaying for as much as you can-even if it’s just your park hopper passes-will save you some serious bucks long term. Walt Disney Travel Company asked for $200 up front, and the balance paid something like 30 days before our trip. The further ahead you plan, the better off you’ll be. (Of course, that’s true of any vacation, but a Disney vacation especially.) Yeah, we spent a pretty penny on our trip…but we also prepaid our hotel room, five day park hopper passes, one character meal, and airfare. It was nice to know we didn’t have to save money to pay the hotel room at the end of our stay.
I had a ball. We had a ball-Traci and I-plus Addy, Jordyn, Alex, Cam, Tylar, and Frankie-had a great time. We're talking about doing it again soon...not soon enough for me, though. I'm ready to go back now....
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