On Stupid Attempts to Save The Environment

There are a lot of things that my elected overlords public officials do that I wonder about. (The rest of the time I’m convinced, but sometimes I wonder.) This is one of those times.

A little background: My day during the workweek starts at 5:30AM. Most of the time, I leave the house around 7 so I can get settled in at the office before I actually have to start working. Some days, however, I require a jolt of caffeine to get my brain in gear. So, I will stop either at Starbucks or McDonald’s, get some sort of tea, and head in. Today was one of those days; I stopped at the famed golden arches to get a large tea. (I usually get 1/3 a large regular tea, and 2/3 sweet tea; it makes it drinkable that way.) So I walk in, and there are signs all over telling me that now have to ask for a straw. They can’t just leave them out like I free-feed the cat anymore; oh no. No, I now have to bother the poor cashier for this. It seems my publicly elected idiots officials have made them illegal to just leave laying around. I have mental pictures now of some guy in a trench coat walking up to someone, opening his left coat side, and speaking sotto voce “Pssst. Hey, buddy…wanna straw? Got ‘em, cheap.”  Or signs on the post office wall: “Wanted on a dozen counts of illegal straw importation and distribution.” I can even see the inspection station on I-5 starting to ask “Any fruits, vegetables, or straws?” Even better: The USPS asking, “Does this parcel contain anything fragile, liquid, perishable, potentially hazardous, including lithium batteries, perfume, or straws?” This is looking to me like since they have outlawed straws, only outlaws will have straws.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I truly do believe we should reduce, reuse, and recycle. On the whole, as Americans we generate way too much waste. I’m getting better about taking my own reusable bags into the store, and I pack my lunch in reusable bags and boxes where I can. (I also recycle the aluminum can my Coke comes in.)  I very well remember having to reuse water we showered in to water plants in the 1970’s because of the ongoing drought in California. I do think that reducing waste is a good idea. But I’m also for a little common sense: The single use lids are plastic that cover the cups, for all that. Why are those still laying around where innocent children might get them? What about single use plastic cups? You start with those, and before you know it, you’re hooked on plastics! It starts with straws…and before you know it, the local constabulary has you cornered, a wild look in your eyes, with a few sporks in one hand, your back pocket full of straws from, and a few plastic bags from the local supermarket tied together around your forehead making a headband.

Hey, here’s a more serious thought: what about getting rid of the plastic packaging that you can never open without a military grade cutting implement? See, there are things that can be done that don’t inconvenience so many people. I mean, straws aren’t like the old Styrofoam clamshells some places used to use to put burgers in; I don’t think those have started breaking down, even now. 

In fact, I can see a fast food joint fifty years down the road. Before walking in, you’ll have to make sure your spouse and kids have their reusable cups and clean reusable straws, your reusable bags, reusable plastic boxes for your food, and cloth napkins (because, you know, trees need saving too) before you leave home. Or, even better: just stay home and eat, because we all know fast food by then will likely have warning labels like cigarettes and alcohol does. I can see it now: “Warning: eating here may be hazardous to your health. Food is prepared by frying, which studies have shown lead to higher levels of trans fats and LDL (bad) cholesterol, which may increase your chances of heaving heart disease.” You may even need to be a certain age to eat fast food: “Warning: People under 21 not allowed. We serve fried foods, and plastic straws are on the premises.”